Hi team,
Here is the first draft of my writing today for you to look at, pull apart, get ideas from and critique. Post the next sentence(s) in the comment section.
The
door swung open and the wind came gushing in. A man appeared in the doorway carrying what looked
like a large bag, could have been a suitcase. He limped inside so as to move closer to the now blazing fire. As he removed
the hood on his large jacket I could see his face. He looked exhausted. I gestured to him to take a
seat on the old sofa and he gratefully obliged. The rusty kettle whistled like a locomotive so I took it from the
stove and poured two cups of tea.
As
the warm tea brought colour back to his seemingly frostbitten face, I noticed a
small trickle of blood running down his cheek……
3 comments:
thats really good, but at the end of the first paragraph, and the end of the secong one, it says 'tea' really close together. Maybe you could do this:
The rusty kettle whistled like a locomotive, so I took it from the stove and poured two cups of tea.
As the warm DRINK,BEVERAGE OR LIQUID brought colour back to his seemingly frostbitten face, etc, etc.
That is my only constructive critisism.
BYE!!!!!!!!!
the small trickle started to get bigger I took the first aid kit from the old mouldy bench and started helping the mysterious mans wound. I had so many questions to ask like what happened?, why are you here? and who did this to you? While I was sin a land of confusion the man said something but I couldn't make out what he was saying as he couldn't talk very much but finally i could hear him crystal clear he was saying "DANGER!"...
He brought his hand up to his face, and wiped the blood away. Before he could bring it down his face contorted in pain.
"Suitcase" he wheezed
"Open" he continued.
"Find help, save me."
Then his features relaxed.
"No" I cried.
This couldn't have happened. He couldn't have died.
Gingerly I took the suitcase in both hands and I undid the leather straps.......
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