No that we are becoming more confident writers we need to continue working on our Recrafting and making sure we have enough detail to keep the reader hooked into your writing from start to finish.
Here is a pretty average piece of writing:
....Jimmy lived in an old house on Main Street. He was a short, not very smart boy, who liked to ride his bicycle up and down the street. His bicycle was quite old. The old woman who lived next to Jimmy liked to sit on her front balcony all day and watch the neighbourhood children play. All except Jimmy. This is because one day, a long time ago, Jimmy had broken her favourite garden ornament with his soccer ball.....
Your task is to take this average piece of writing and recraft/add more detail to it to make it more exciting for the reader. It doesn't have to be a lot of writing but it needs to be quality writing:-)
Do your best and we will look at your work on Monday.
Post your work in the comment section. Remember you can maximise the comment window and press "ctrl +" to make the text bigger and easier to read while you are publishing.
I'm looking forward to reading your work!
Saturday, 1 September 2012
Recrafting Activity - Homework
Posted by Room 4 and 3 Quarters at 3:00 pm
Labels: Editing, Recrafting, Writing
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23 comments:
Jimmy lived in an old run down 2 story villar on Route 66. He was short, hairy, and wasn't very intelligent, also loved riding his old pink and rusty bicycle down the road then back. Miss Duncan an old tall woman, who lived in an ugly yellow caravan next to Jimmy's house, sat on her little chair all day under the umbrella watching the little children play at the park over the road while knitting a cardigan. The Only one person she hated was Jimmy, because a long time ago Jimmy was learning how to kick a soccer ball so he could for full his dream of being the best soccer player in the world, but then he toe hacked the ball straight into Miss Duncan’s favourite piece of art work in her garden smashing it to specs of glass and has never forgiven Jimmy ever since.
Jimmy lived In a small town house in the outskirts of Birmingham. He was short but not dwarf short. He was also not a smart kid all he enjoyed doing was riding his up and down his street. On his bike was a 1970's chopper that was a little rusty and bright orange and green handlebars. One of Jimmy's neighbours mrs Dong a old and rather tall Chinese woman who spent all day sitting on a hammock on her deck watching children play. She also very rich she lived in a modern house that was 3 stories high. She was friendly to the children but she didn't like Jimmy very much because when Jimmy was young he was playing soccer with some of his friends and when he miscalculated the power needed so get it in the goal which was not too surprising to his friends they all knew he was a f- student at maths. The ball flew through the sky into mrs Dong's prized garden gnome collection. The garden gnomes smashed into millions of pieces. And even worst mrs Dong happened to hear the smashed and saw Jimmy in his soccer boots. Mrs Dong had never smiled at him again.........
By Anton
Jimmy lived in a dingy old house that was on the outskirts of London. It looked like it was built a hundred years ago.He was a short stumpy boy the never liked to study.He sent a lot of time riding on his bike to the end of the street and back.His bike was battered and rusty and made a squeaking sound whenever he pushed too hard on the pedals.The frail old lady who lived next door was called Miss smith.She lived in a very stylish house that had a triangle roof and bow windows.She would sit on her rocking chair on her porch and watch the children play,all except Jimmy.The reason for this was that Jimmy was playing football in his garden when he kicked the ball too hard and it smashed Miss smiths favorite garden gnome with his soccer ball.
Jimmy lived in an old house in Main street. The Bushes covered the peeling paint of the garage. The door remained open showing the bare walls. Vines had crept into the shattered window. Jimmy was short with ginger hair. He often wore a plain orange shirt. It was passed down from his older brother Nikko. Jimmy’s big brother was a really big brother so Jimmy’s shirt looked like a dress. This resulted in him getting teased and his nickname was orange. That was one of the reasons he disliked school. His self esteem was low and he didn’t believe that he was smart. He liked to ride his rusty bike, which squeaked with every push of the pedals. The old fragile lady who lived next door, in a small cottage loved watching the children play. She used to watch the children's parents play when they were young, with her husband. Now when Jimmy rode his bike she would sulk and Jimmy could feel her pain and loneliness. This was because, a long time ago Jimmy had been kicking a soccer ball against his dying home, while he was angry with his brother. He lost his control and booted the ball which ricochet off the wall, and flew over the broken fence, and crushed her favourite garden decoration of her dead husband. This was her last ornament of her husband. Jimmy just stared in horror and the anger inside him, from his brother was replaced by guilt. He was so shocked, and he never said sorry. That was the last day she smiled with Jimmy around.
Jimmy lived in a creaking and rotting house, just outside of Rotorua. He was a puny boy with untidy clothes and a funny haircut. Jimmy was an unintelligent kid who loved to ride his rusty and old bicycle up and down a curvy hill.
An old lady whose name was mrs. Crabapple ,lived across the road from Jimmy. She lives in a small, peach coloured house with a rosey pink furnished balcony. Mrs. Crabapple watched all the neighbourhood children day by day as they played together while she sat on her old rocking chair.
She watched All children except Jimmy, the reason why Jimmy wasn't liked by Mrs. Crabapple was because one day Jimmy was kicking his soccer ball around when he accidentally kicked it straight at her most precious garden ornament. After smashing it he was never forgiven by her.
Jimmy was a cat who lived in an old house on Main Street. He was a midget, and the dumbest cat in the world , who liked to ride his banana shaped bicycle up and down the street. He made his bike but he did not know if it worked properly or not. The old cat who lived next to Jimmy liked to dance like a robot all day and watch the neighbor hood cats play octopus . All except Jimmy. This is because one day, a long time ago, Jimmy had broken her favourite garden ornament with his tail. but Jimmy did not care, if the old cat did look at him he would poke his tongue out and then walk of with his tail in the air. He always did everything to annoy her like Jimmy would mock her and then poo on her lawn. Then she would do the same but when he had the epiphany to say sorry he would get so angry at him self. And then brake one of her ornaments again.
By CHARLOTTE
Jimmy lived in a crusty old house on Main Street just outside Boston America. He was the size of mouse acording to the school bully, and not very bright, he also had a bad scruffy haircut that made him look like he hadn't washed for a week. He liked to travel on his push bike up and down the street pretending to be superman. His bike was old and really noisey. The elderly woman who lived next to Jimmy liked to relax on her front balconey all day and watch the neighbourhood young people play. All except Jimmy. This is because one day, a while ago, Jimmy had broken her favourite garden ornament with his new Fifa word cup football and he didn't even blink an eye, let alone apologize.
Jimmy was a short and a average student in a school named Mt.Mavery, which was close to his house in the main street in Stetinberg. He enjoyed riding his old bike up and down the street. Whenever he came back from school Jimmy's neighbor Mrs. Carmen often sat in the balcony and watched the kids from the street play, she watched all the kids except Jimmy this is because, a long time ago Jimmy was playing soccer one day and he was having a penalty shot and he kicked it so hard that it broke her most valuable garden ornaments and so from that day on she always used to ignore Jimmy even if he came to her house for a kind help.
Jimmy lived in a old, creepy home at the end of main street. He was a unattractive, not very brainy and short, he liked to ride his rusty bicycle up and down the hill on his street. His bike was extremely old it got handed down from his father. The wrinkly old woman liked to sit on her front porch and watch all the children play football and tag, all exept for jimmy. This .is because the other day Jimmy kicked a football over the picket fence and it slammed on her favorite garden sculpture.
Jimmy walked out of his house, as he turned to wave his parents goodbye he once more noticed how the old paint peeled and the wood in the windows was slightly warped. He was short, fair hair protruding out from under his helmet. He was of average intelligence but on his bike he was amazing. He flew down his street every day whenever he could. Unfortunately the bike was very old so he had to avoid sharp turns or risk his wheels coming off. There was an old woman that lived next door to Jimmy. She enjoyed sitting on her rocking chair on her balcony and watching the children play. All but Jimmy, while she didn't dislike him when Jimmy was younger he had broken her favourite garden ornament and though he had apologized seeing him still reminded her of it.
Jimmy lived in the dampest, oldest, darkest home on the Main Street. Jimmy was very small in build, what he lacked in intellegence he had in strength. Because his family was poor his bike was rescued from the rubbish dump and over the years it had produced a lot of rust, Jimmy loved to ride his bicyle up and down the street every day trying to think up ways to cause trouble in the run down neighbourhood. The old witch like woman who lived next to troublesome Jimmy liked to sit on her old rotten veranda all day long in the blisterin hot sun watching the young children of the neighbourhood playing intently in their front gardens. All of the children exept for naughty Jimmy. This is because when Jimmy was 8 he broke her favourite garden gnome which had a blue and red striped top and a yellow hat with his speeding soccor ball...
Jimmy lived in a poor house in London the only thing he had was a old trashed up bike he plays on it all day every day because he never has to go to school. Jimmy loved to go in his trashed up bike going up his street and down. Jimmy had a nieghbor named Mr Weather and Mrs weather. They hated Jimmy because a long time ago Jimmy was playing football he had a penalty kick and he kick it hard as that it made a huge hole on top of their $1500 roof . Jimmy and his mum and dad cam to the weathers to apologize and the weathers slammed the door and scearmed i will never forgive you.
Jimmy lived in a old constructed house,he would come always last in his studies he was not a genius.he like to ride his bicycle up and down the street.The bicycle was old and the chain was rusted.An old lady who is about 75 years old was his neighbour,who likes to watch other kids play around,but not jimmy because,last year he smashed his soccer ball on to her garden.......... :0)))0)
Jimmy lived in an old and a unreconstructed house which had holes on the roof top.He is a very good boy,who loves to ride his bicycle.Even tho his bicycle was very old,he loved riding it very much.Next to jimmy's house there lived an old women who liked to sit on her front deck,watching all the neighborhood children play.But she never liked jimmy because a long time ago,Jimmy was a beginner at soccer so he booted the ball into the old lady's garden and broke her favorite ornament.Since then jimmy saved his pocket money and bought the ornament and said sorry.....! ;0
Jimmy Potter lived in a small but dirty house on the
Corner of Main Street in the town of Shecolberd. Everyday the kids of the town would and tease and laugh at him because of his name they would call him Harry Potter. Jimmy was sad he only had one friend a beat up old bike called Bessey. It was red and rusty. It was his pride and joy.His neighbours to the right HATED him and he HATED them both for good reasons: Last summer he was playing ball and he accidentally kicked it through the fence and it knocked over there favourite gnome.
Jimmy was a small boy who lived a bit south of Hamilton. He was quite short, not very unintelligent with short ginger hair and big black glasses. However his skills on a bicycle made up for his bad knowledge. Whlie most of his friends had expensive racing bikes he could still beat them in a race on his rusty bike with only 6 gears.
Jimmy's next door neighbour was an old English woman called Mrs Brown. In her spare time she liked to sit in her old rocking chair that creaked each time she rocked back and forth and watch all the children playing in the park across the road. All of them but Jimmy. years ago when jimmy was shorter than he is now he was playing football in the park and misjuged a penalty and it went over the road and through her window. But it wasn't the window that made her upset it was when the ball went through the window and hit her dead husbands violin. From then on he had always played soccer in the other side of the park.
Jimmy is a 9 year old boy who lives in a old but huge house he was not considered as a tall boy and he didn't have much education as well but he did have his bike that a rich kid was about to burn and just before he put it in the fire he started wondering why would he just throw away that bike that had no scratches or dents so i took it back home and was showing off his new bike to everyone and people thought he was so cool. The next day a bunch of boys asked if he wants to play soccer with them and he said yes. Jimmy didn't know how to play every time the ball came to him he would just randomly kick and one time he kicked into someone window and everyone ran but him. the lady that got her window smashed said that Jimmy had to pay for the damage and as i said Jimmy didn't have much money so the only thing to do was to was to sell the bike for the cash so he did that. The next day he though he was never gonna be that popular again so he just stated home and steered at his window all day.
Jimmy lived in a brand new house on the newest street.He was short but not a very smart boy.He liked to ride his bike up and down his street he got the newest mountain bike that just came out. The old woman who lived next to Jimmy liked to sit on her balcony all day and way=tch the neighbourhood children play.All except Jmmy.This is because a long time ago Jimmy had broken his favourite garden ornament with his football....
Jimmy lived in a old creaky houes on the side of the mane Texas rode he went out side to play on the new feld that they put in right next to his houes and play as many games as they could and they played games like tag and ext. there is so many games they could play they said so they only plad one round of ech game they thought.
Jimmy lived in a reavated house on 123 fake street, the only thing he was very good at was his maths and riding his motobike.
One day he was in games workshop and there was a guy mocking someone he had just bet, Jimmy went over to see what was going on to find out the the bad sporter was the old granny who looked at the children on his street play, so Jimmy came in and challenged her, the battle was about 2 hours but in the end Jimmy won and the granny went away to sulk and there was a twinkle in the eye of the boy who lost.
Now every time Jimmy walks out of his house, walking,joging running and even riding the old granny just looks the other way and pays no attention, or so he thinks......
Jimmy was a little grubby boy an orphan he was 6 years old and the head of the orphanage household and was mean to everyone even the people who were going to adopt the children she especially did not like Jimmy because one night Jimmy found worms and cockroaches and showed them to mrs Brunchack and she shreiked and sent him to bed without supper and was not allowed to play out side for a week and today was a special day because a family was coming to interview oreven adopt him and take him home " remember Jimmy manners " then the couple walked in she looks pretty thought she was in apurple dress with red high heels and black stockings with a black belt around the waist and red lipstick on and mascara the man had a suit on and black shoes and funny glasses thought Jimmy after the interview Jimmy could'nt stop smiling and was walking out of the building and waving back to his friends while holding there hands there names were Jessica and Peter they hopped into the car and drove into the sunset......
Jimmy was a young 9 year old boy who lived in a three story house on the corner of a street named Ackronob Street. He was short,had short black hair,and was very good at sports.
Jimmy was a skater and he always rides his skate board up and down a bumpy street.One day jimmy had saw a poster that said "Ackronob St Skate off 3rd September 2:00pm".
The day of the Ackronob street skate off has come and Jimmy was getting ready and was preparing for the BIG!day.A few minutes after jimmy was preparing a loud whistle went off and that was his sign of the race starting.Jimmy raced to the start line and was all pumped and ready to win that race.The ref blew the whistle and as soon as Jimmy heard it, he zoomed past all the contestants and he was the first skater to reach the finish line. At the end of the day Jimmy had placed first and was rewarded with a huge trophy and a gold medal.
jimmy is a boy who is dreaming to become a All Black he trains and he trains night and day he getting ready for the trials so he's fit before the trials jimmy eats healthy and will stay healthy for the big day like I mean the trials.ding ding ding thats the alarm finally he say's to him self the day has come all those training and eating healthy is gonna be worth it.Slam the the trial's are finish and slam the door shut's with a big bang he shout's he made it in the team first game is on Saturday what time 7.00 and now Jimmy is gonna live his dream being a All Black now he will be a rugby player and now is happy.
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